NFL Satire

Scientific Breakthrough: Randy Gregory’s DNA is 99.8% Marijuana

Scientists have been researching for decades on how to convert human DNA to the recreational drug, Marijuana.  On Friday, in a strange new development, researchers seem to have finally found their answer.  Randy Gregory, defensive end for the Dallas Cowboys, failed the 7th drug test of his career last week.  Scientists finally have found their recipe of success.  We were able to obtain preliminary data from professors at Southern Methodist University.

In the study, with Gregory as the main subject, scientists were able to replicate conditions to revert human DNA to that of Cannabis Sativa. Without getting into specific details of the experiment, scientists have laid out the following circunstances to achieve their result.

  1. Subject must constantly smoke marijuana for over a decade
  2. Subject must be hit at a high-rate of impact over multiple years
  3. Subject must have IQ lower than 90

The conclusion is that Randy Gregory had consistently high levels of marijuana in his blood and as a football player, was getting hit at such a high velocity, that the THC particles fused with the DNA molecules due to the high pressures.  Scientists are ecstatic.

“We so many practical applications for this research and we would like to personally thank Mr. Gregory for his cooperation.”

Clinical trials have moved forward to the entire Pittsburgh Steeler RB and WR corps.


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