NFL Satire

Marshawn Lynch Signs Two-Year Deal with Raiders, Causes Oakland Traffic Jam

Five-time Pro Bowl running back, Marshawn Lynch, officially unretired on Wednesday, signing a two-year deal with his hometown Oakland Raiders.  Famously, during the halftime of Super Bowl L, Lynch, in straight hood fashion, hung up his cleats on the nearest telephone wire to signify his retirement.  But in a strange turn of events, Lynch caused a city-wide traffic jam trying to retrieve his cleats on Wednesday Morning.

Witnesses at the scene saw Marshawn driving a manlift through the city streets at speeds of 5 MPH.  We caught up with a 19944 Jeep Wrangler.

“I’ve been sitting here over an hour, the guy is just running through the streets on a scissor-lift.  First the golf cart, and now this!” the douchebag said.  “I’m sure Beastmode could have done this at a better time of day.”

We called Marshawn Lynch’s agent, Doug Hendrickson, for a comment.

“Marshawn’s a simple man.  Once he signed on with the Raiders he realized he didn’t have any other cleats in the house.  He is a big conservationist, and wanted to reuse his favorite pair of Nikes.”

Separate reports say the Oakland utility department shut down power for the whole block so Marshawn didn’t get electrocuted.  Some of the neighbors weren’t pleased.

“I just dropped the kids off at private school, and I got stuck in this horrid traffic on my way home” said stay-at-home mother, Barbara Stepford.  “I was so frustrated, so I decided to have my afternoon Merlot early today and watch my girls Hoda and Kathie Lee. But I couldn’t because they shut off the power.  My life is ruined.”

As of now, Lynch hasn’t made any statements, but there was a trail of skittles left behind at the scene.



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