NFL Satire

Peppers Arrives Hairless to Draft, Claims Aerodynamics

Jabrill Peppers has been under scrutiny over the past few days due to a diluted urine sample obtained at the NFL Combine.  Many have speculated Peppers’ drug use in the past and the NFL reports a diluted sample as a positive test.  The Michigan standout claims to have been hydrating due to a history of cramping and recent illness.

Witnesses spotted Peppers at the Philadelphia International Airport on Wednesday, donning a new look; he was completely hairless.  Experts have speculated the NFL may retest Peppers via a hair follicle test, but the All Big-Ten linebacker claims to have a different story.

“At first, I was doing some charity work for C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital in Ann Arbor, so I shaved my head as a sign of unity with the kids.” Peppers told the security guard in Terminal B.  “I liked the way it looked, so I kept it.  Then, I had an important charity swim meet in Jersey last weekend to raise awareness about high school athletics. I decided to shave the rest of my body to be more aerodynamic.  I figured it may translate to better speed on the field, too.”

While the media was skeptical, Peppers has been lauded for his local charity work. Organizations such as D.A.R.E for a drug-free America have been associated with Michigan athletics for the past decade.  But the security guard did find it odd that Peppers shaved his eyebrows as well.  Jabrill explained.

“One of my idols growing up was Charlie Villaneuva.  He was a few years older than me and I used to watch him ball over in Blairstown.  I figured, since I have the rest of my body shaved, I might as well pay homage to my boy Charlie.  North Jersey represent!”

Our crew tried to reach out to an NFL spokesperson, but his response was inaudible due to his palm buried in his face.

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