ESPN’s Wednesday layoffs came of no surprise to anyone. Personalities such as Ed Werder, Jay Crawford, and everyone’s favorite mediocre QB, Trent Dilfer, got the can. It has been reported that Stephen A. Smith was on the cut list. An inside source said when Smith was approached by ESPN HR, he just kept yelling and using vocabulary that no one understood, then walked out of the room. We were able to obtain the transcript of this conversation.
ESPN: Stephen, we would like to see you in our office.
Stephen A.: I a’int never gonna perambulate to your oppressive office. My clout is preeminent to your menial occupation.
ESPN: This is the reason we would like to speak to you. Your tone of voice and mixture of educated and “street” vernacular is not clicking with the audience. We are going to have to let you…
Stephen A: Blasphemy! Blasphemy! The evidence points towards the contrary! I have unfathomably intellectualized my reputation. This sh*t is weak!
ESPN: Do you even hear the words you are saying. It is complete nonsense! You’re fi….
Stephen A.: I ai’nt got time for this vituperation. There has been no obloquy towards myself or any of my shows. Get the f*ck out of here.
ESPN: Stephen, I’m sorry I have to do this, but you can’t work…
Stephen A.: I can work on anything I damn please! Now excuse me, I need to lather my forehead before First Take.
ESPN: Stephen, wait…
Executives from the sports network cannot confirm or deny this transcript, but our representatives consider this conversation to be truthful.